The Loony List
by DivineDebris
Summary: Ron makes a list of Luna's faults. The results are surprising.


**The Loony List**

* * *

Ron gaped at his mother incredulously.

"You're bloody joking."

"You watch your tone, Ronald Weasley, or you'll go without second helpings for a month!"

He looked even more scandalized at the prospect of losing seconds at mealtimes and straightened up at once.

"You wouldn't!"

Mrs. Weasley narrowed her eyes threateningly. "You can bet your broom I would. That poor girl never has a date to any of the Ministry events, and you are a perfectly eligible wizard who can remedy that!"

"But it's Loony Lovegood!"

"_This is NOT open for discussion!"_ Then slamming a bowl of potatoes onto the kitchen table she added, "Now peel these potatoes or else you'll find yourself without _first_ helpings!"

To Ron, going without any food was like trying to breathe without air. He grabbed his wand and grudgingly began peeling the potatoes.

A few minutes went by when Percy apparated into the living room with a loud crack. Ron grumbled to himself as his brother entered the kitchen.

"Hello, Ronald. It's good to see you putting your magic to productive use—" He peered around curiously. "Say, is father at home? I have some forms to be signed by his department that can't wait a moment longer. As they say, _time wasted, never gained, never once again attained_…"

Ron couldn't help but interrupt his brother's monotonous rambling. "What do you think about Luna Lovegood?"

Percy stopped short, appraising his brother carefully. "I know nothing more concerning the girl except what's written on paper – Ravenclaw, daughter of Xenophilius Lovegood, noted for her heroics at the Battle of the Department of Mysteries and the Battle of Hogwarts – why do you ask?"

Ron rolled his eyes. "Mum reckons I ought to ask her out to the next big Ministry party. She's mental if she thinks I'd go with anyone other than 'Mione."

His older brother took a deep breath. "Yes, well, Miss Granger made her choice, and though her decision seems rather untoward, it is our duty as friends to support her choice to be with Hagrid."

He blanched at the thought. "Godric, I'm going to vomit."

"Luna's not a bad looking witch. Perhaps it's not all bad."

Ron grimaced. "How can you focus on how she looks when she's constantly talking about Blibbery Humdribblers, Crumbly-horned Snorgles."

Percy nodded appreciatively. "Ah yes, I remember now. She's the girl who warned me not to stand under the mistletoe at the Winter Gala, or else I might attract _Nargles_."

"So how do I get out of this?" Ron wouldn't normally have dreamt asking Percy for help, but he was desperate at this point.

"You know, Ronald, I generally dislike disobedience or scheming of any sort, but mother's clearly out of her element when it comes to matchmaking. So here's what I suggest—" Ron leaned in closely to listen. "—I recommend you make a catalog of her faults – a list of 'cons' if you will. You'd better put some 'pros' on as well, so mother will think you approached the issue without bias."

"A pros and cons list…" Ron mused thoughtfully.

"Quite. And you'll probably want to observe the witch for a few days to make the list more thorough."

"Right." Ron could see the whole plan taking shape in his mind.

"Yes, well I can see according to our clock that father's not at home, so I'll check in later. Farewell, Ronald, and _good luck_," he added meaningfully.

* * *

Percy apparated back to Diagon Alley, hoping Ron wouldn't think to check the clock himself. Hermione sat quietly at the newly refurbished ice cream parlor. Suddenly she rose, whacking Percy smartly on the arm.

"Ouch, dear Godric, woman! What was that for?"

"Hagrid?!" Hermione gagged. "You told Ron I was with Hagrid?"

"Oh…" Percy paled slightly.

"Yes, your mother had the foresight to fill me in on all the details." She whacked him again. "How could you conceivably _IMAGINE_ that I would get together with Hagrid?"

He recoiled quickly. "It was the logical option under pressure! Ron would never accept your friendship so quickly if he supposed you to merely be indifferent. So I devised the relationship that would both offend your friendship the least and repulse his romantic inclinations the most."

"Godric, Percy, you may as well have said that I was hooking up with Grawp!"

Percy's eyebrow lifted. "Now _there's_ an idea!"

"Don't you dare even think about it!"

He grinned uncharacteristically. "Relax, Hermione. I must say this whole conspiring nonsense is rather enjoyable." Then he became serious. "Only don't tell the others. My brothers would never let it go if they thought I was going soft."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Right, well I hope this works, Percy. Luna's a dear friend, and Ron can be a bit…"

"Judgmental? Oblivious? Tactless?" he offered.

"Yes. And I really think they'd be good for each other if Ron would only get over his preconceived notions of what makes a good relationship."

"Well, he ought to see some of Miss Lovegood's better qualities soon enough. I sent for the Muggle Relations department of the Ministry to gift her with a certain bit of muggle, summer attire – one that involves _swimming_."

Hermione gasped. "One piece or two?"

"Oh, it's a two piece. Imported from Brazil. And an anonymous submission in today's edition of the Quibbler notes that tomorrow afternoon is the best time of year for catching underwater dabberblimp chrysalides."

Her mouth fell open slightly. "You know, Percy, sometimes the inner workings of your mind scare me."

"Like I said—" he straightened. "—Don't tell the others. It would do nothing for my standing as a reputable wizard."

* * *

**Cons**

**1\. Looks funny**

**2\. Talks funny**

**3\. Moves funny**

Ron felt that just about summed everything up. Luna was as odd as they come, and his mum was daft if she thought he'd actually hit it off with the weird witch.

Still, Percy was right that he ought to find at least one good thing to put on the list, so with parchment and quill in hand Ron set off toward the Lovegood's.

He was nearly past the shrubbery on the hillside when he heard grassy footfalls coming from the opposite side of the bushes. Ducking down in the brush he peeked through to see who was making the noise. What he saw next nearly caused him to faint.

Luna Lovegood stood by the pond's edge, a bucket and net in one arm and wand aloft, but it was her outfit – or lack thereof – that suddenly made Ron feel lightheaded and dizzy.

It was something he was sure it was something Harry had mentioned before. _A Beek-nee_? Taking a long look at Luna, Ron realized with every smooth curve of skin that Luna was quite attractive. Her silver eyes sparkled in the sunlight, and her fair hair tumbled effortlessly around her face.

Lifting the quill he quickly edited his list:

**Cons**

**1\. Talks funny**

**2\. Moves funny**

Deciding he needed a breather, Ron pocketed the parchment and rose, planning to back away carefully. Unfortunately he tripped on a brambly vine and landed with a loud thud. Luna appeared a moment later around the other side of the brush.

"Oh, hello there Ron. Are you quite alright?"

"I'm fine," he scowled as he stood up, brushing the dirt from his robes. "I just – wanted to see how you doing." He'd made up that last part, but he wasn't sure how an explanation of 'unbiased observation' would come across to the eccentric witch.

"That's very kind of you. I just thought I'd do a bit of swimming since the Ministry sent me this lovely muggle bathing suit. It's called a bikini," she sighed placidly. "Would you like to join me?"

Ron blinked several times, logging the word _bikini_ permanently in his memory."Er, I haven't got any swim clothes on, but perhaps another time?"

"How about tomorrow?" she beamed.

"Er, yeah, that'll work great. I'll see you then." Ron turned, walking away briskly. Things had gotten weird fast, and now he had to get a pair of swim trunks before tomorrow.

* * *

Ron felt measurably uncomfortable as he rounded the hillside the next day, donning a new pair of swim trunks. Gulping nervously, he rounded the shrubbery until he could see Luna already by the pond's edge. Mercifully she chose to wear the bikini yet again.

"Hello, Ron," she smiled calmly. "Would you like to rest from your walk before we swim?"

"Sure." Ron plopped beside the witch, exhaling deeply.

Luna looked at Ron carefully. "You're quite pale, you know."

He narrowed his eyes, feeling defensive. "So what…" he grumbled.

"I like it," she sighed. "I think it suits you well."

He relaxed at the unexpected compliment. "Er, thanks."

She dipped her toes into the water nonchalantly. "Pale skin was highly praised in several ancient cultures. It often symbolized nobility."

Ron felt his mood lifting. "Well, you know, we Weasleys are quite _noble_."

Luna laughed brightly, scooting closer to the water. "You're very funny, Ron."

"Yeah, I am funny, aren't I—" He smirked, noticing the witch inching toward the water. "I reckon we're ready for that swim now." He smiled more widely at Luna's returned grin, and the two proceeded to slip fully into the pond.

So maybe she said _a few _weird things from time to time; talking with Luna Lovegood wasn't that bad after all. Ron filed away in his mind to edit the list when he got back home.

* * *

**Cons**

**1\. Moves Funny**

* * *

Ron approached the Lovegood home two weeks later with his hands in his pockets. Sure, Luna was a ridiculous dancer based on past events, but she was pretty, and Ron was starting to really enjoy their chats. Going to the Ministry Ball with her certainly wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

The door opened before he could knock, and Luna greeted him with a blithe smile.

"Hello there, Ron! It's lovely to see you…but I thought you didn't want to fish for plimpies."

"Well, no, I don't." Ron scratched his head. "I, er, wanted to ask you…I thought maybe you'd like to—" Ron trailed off, unable to find the nerve to finish. He was about to make up a dumb excuse to leave when Luna interrupted his thoughts.

"You know, Ron, there's a Ministry Ball this weekend. Would you like to come with me?"

Ron brightened. "Yeah! I mean, well I suppose I might as well, seeing as neither of us have dates."

Luna smiled knowingly. "Great. I'll see you this weekend then."

Ron decided to apparate back, so Luna wouldn't see how nervous he felt.

He popped in just in time to see his mother descending the stairs.

"There you are, Ronald. And just where have you been off to?" Mrs. Weasley raised a questioning eyebrow as she headed for the kitchen. "The garden needs degnoming again."

"You'll have to hold off on the degnoming. I, er, have to get a few things from Diagon Alley before this weekend."

Mrs. Weasley paused to scrutinize her son. "What kind of things?"

Ron looked down at the floor and mumbled, "rrrbsh…crsash."

"I'm sorry, what was that? I don't think I quite heard you." The corners of her lips ticked upward.

"A radish corsage, alright? Honestly…" He apparated away without saying another word, and Mrs. Weasley grinned broadly to herself.

* * *

Hermione, Percy, and Mrs. Weasley stood together at the Ball, watching Luna and Ron dance with surprising grace across the floor.

"Oh would you look at them!" Mrs. Weasley gushed. "My youngest son, finally taking charge!"

"Miss Lovegood's dancing abilities seem to have improved as of late," Percy noted with approval.

Hermione shrugged. "She's always been able to dance, but as she's rarely had a partner she usually ends up dancing alone, which can be rather odd. I do love her dress robes though."

Mrs. Weasley piped in, "That would be Ginny's doing. The moment I let it slip that Ron had asked Luna to the Ball I couldn't reign her in!" She sighed happily, "Oh, they do look happy."

Hermione's eyes widened. "Speaking of Ginny – Look at what Harry's doing!"

The three turned to see Harry getting down on one knee.

* * *

"So Ginny, what I'm saying is…will you marry me?"

Ron grinned across the dance floor as Ginny embraced his best mate with a tearful 'yes' escaping her lips. Then he and the rest of the Weasleys, Hermione, and several friends from school gathered around the two to congratulate them on their impending nuptials.

A few minutes passed when Hagrid approached, nearly suffocating Harry and Ginny in a giant hug.

"This is one of the happiest days of m' life."

"Thanks, Hagrid." Harry's smile stretched wider than Ron had ever seen.

Sharing in the revelry, Ron nudged Hagrid in the arm. "Who knows, Hagrid? Pretty soon this could be you and 'Mione, eh?"

"Wha's that?" Hagrid and several others turned in confusion to face Hermione.

Mouth dropping in flustered shock, she whipped around sharply, facing Ron's brother Percy in all her wrath.

"_PERCY IGNATIUS WEASLEY!?_"

To Ron's immense surprise Percy began to bite down a grin. Within seconds his usually straight-laced brother was laughing, and it grew until he was positively chortling. Then seeing the murderous glare in Hermione's eyes, Percy shrieked and took off into the crowd with the witch in hot pursuit.

Ron looked on in bewilderment until Luna slipped an arm around his waist. "I have a feeling there's something they're not telling us."

Ron felt the warmth of Luna's arm around him and he relaxed, taking her hand in his. "Eh, well…It's probably just the Nargles."

* * *

That evening Ron sat down to take a look at his list, and made two last edits to his list. Then he chucked the parchment into the fire and smiled softly to himself.

**Cons**

**(none)**

**Pros**

**1\. Everything…**

* * *

_Fin._

* * *

Written for the April 2014 Twin Exchange Challenge. Pairing: Ron/Luna; Prompts: Nargles; Quote: "The inner workings of your mind scare me."

Thanks for reading! -V


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